PAST RELATIONSHIPS AND WHAT THEY TEACH US ABOUT US
Previous relationships can teach us a lot about where we vibrationally stand and what we’re currently in the process of attracting. In fact, they are the basis for how we initially identify with the world and others who we share it with. We each have an old story—the kind that has ended in heartbreak, trauma, betrayal, or a multitude of bittersweet emotions.
Over time the smaller pieces of these stories come together. And with each visitation to the past, our kaleidoscope presents us with a missing puzzle piece. And each turn of the dial, a new opportunity to tell a different story, paint a new shade, and imagine novel characters.
Yet, in keeping up the status quo of “historian,” we often forget that in doing so, we’re narrating our past right into our future. Yikes! After a while, you’ll notice the faces change but the dynamics being highlighted will be all too familiar. Inevitably, you’ll reach an awareness of this repetitive cycle and hopefully decide to do something about it.
At the top of this hill, we gain the most significant vantage point on where we stand within the equation of any and all relationships. Here is where we make the pivotal decision of either furthering a pattern or changing our course altogether. An inner dialogue begins between the “I” that reads the words and the “I” that feels the emotions elicited from them. This is where we’re introduced to doing versus being and what that means for manifestation.
Between doing and being, is where we start to ask:
Do I want to play the role of collector or the part of the creator?
What do the functions of my main characters have to teach me about myself and this situation?
There is no wrong answer about which direction to take in this fork. You cannot choose wrong. Each decision you make will offer you an opportunity for clarity. The critical piece is to get into your body and listen to what your emotions are telling you about the person, situation, and part you play within it all.
If it feels good, go for it, and if it feels off, listen to that. Where many get stuck is in the thick opinion of “others.” It isn’t about what they think, what your parents think, what your neighbors think or what your friends think. It’s what you think. And more importantly, it’s about how you feel.
The Hardest Relationships are the Most Instrumental in understanding ourselves
This may sound like a bite, but hear me out. The most difficult relationships are the most excellent teachers of ourselves. The emotions you’ve collected toward the narcissistic mother, an abusive ex, or the absent father are often still holding real estate in your current existence. No, none of them were pleasant experiences, and we don’t usually intend to repeat the “ick” of the past. Still, the truth is that unconsciously, we do.
The programming and conditions of generations prior lead us astray and seduce us back into the places of comfort and familiarity. But for all intents and purposes, you do not have to accept any of them, or even versions of the same, back into your life. The choice to mend with or send-off is yours. Forgiveness isn’t denying wrongdoing (that will be in a later post). However, in order to recognize the gem in that grave, we must dig it out and observe the perfection that the pressure afforded us.
This is not a form of victim-blaming. Nor is it “spiritual bypassing,” as some are quick to assert. Words like deservedness, karma (the Western appropriation of it), or any glossy righteousness don’t belong in this conversation. It is about accepting the past for its instrumental shaping of your present and using fear as a springboard for overcoming your resistance to the future you envision. This means taking accountability for your emotional well-being. And for the thoughts and actions that correspond to those emotions.
The Fork in the road Between Teaching and KNowing
The difference between teaching and knowing is the difference between awareness and understanding. Like me, you’ll eventually see a pattern highlighted in both current and past connections. And when you look back (and make this a practice), you’ll see that your relationships were teaching you about an existing gap between your awareness of a pattern and where you were in regards to integrating it. That is, the distance between it being a thought and being a reality you’re living. So what did relationships teach me about myself?
I’ll let you in on a little secret. All of the experiences I listed at the beginning of this rant were my personal stories. These were the collection of narratives I had filed under a section entitled “worthlessness.” They were heavy bags I had picked up on my physical trail and grappled with for over two decades before finally giving them and myself a much-needed break. Cutting them loose (the people and the stories themselves) generated an outpouring of full circle moments for me and still continues to with each passing year.
It’s a practice worth cultivating. You and the people in your life will be changed (for the better) as a result.
Relationships teach us self love
Cutting anything or anyone out cold turkey may not be within any reasonable or specific terms for you at this moment in time. That’s okay too. However, what you can do (at any point), is change the energy of the relationship dynamic in how you respond to yourself and to others involved. When you’re feeling triggered, take a time out. This is self-care 101. Tell the person you need a few moments, a few days, even a few weeks before you will be ready to discuss the issue at hand. In many instances, this is the best course for all parties.
Remember, just because another may be experiencing a perceived emergency does not mean it is your responsibility to put out the fire. A persons’ reaction to you or concerning you is their business and their commitment (or lack thereof) to themselves. Allow them a chance to clean up their side of the street and take the opportunity to clean up yours.
Making this reflection process a habit each time you engage with someone will shift the experience and result for everyone involved. While you can’t create in someone else’s life, you focusing upon shaping yours will in turn, effect theirs. And the best thing you can do for another is love and tend to yourself. Others may say that’s selfish. But what’s more selfish, you taking care of yourself or them demanding you answer their needs before your own? (mic drop)
Journaling exercise for attracting better feeling thoughts about your connections
When you’re in the midst of a disagreement, it can be hard to see the picture holistically or from a transpersonal space. Often, we react to others instead of respond to them. This results in us attracting relationships that are a repeat of the past. Make an effort to be proactive as opposed to reactive. Our relationships are teaching us how we can be more responsive all the time so they’re a perfect subject to start with. A new day is a new opportunity to practice this. Notice where you are coming from and why. Ask yourself a few primary questions:
Does this situation look familiar?
In what ways can I respond differently this time?
Remember, doing what you have always done will get you what you have always gotten, and sometimes that is our very last intention.
If something comes up for you that repeatedly puts you in an uncomfortable mental, emotional, or physical space, also pair the previous prompts with these secondary questions:
What emotion can I go toward that will elicit a sense of relief?
What activity can I do that will help to generate those positive feelings?
If you’re wanting to go deeper, get this book and pick one of the twenty-two processes it offers. Each one discussed in it depends on where you are at any given moment (emotionally speaking). It does wonders for cleaning up a negative thought pattern and attracting more fulfilling connections into your life.
In order for you to have a perspective shift, you have to first get honest about your previous relationship lessons and what vibrational set-point you were offering when they came into your life. What did those teach you? What’s the next best feeling place you can go from where you stand right now? It is all about the now!
Relationships teach Us universal timing (and how to trust it)
You can’t rush healing or knowing. Sometimes it takes years to fully integrate awareness into understanding and developing new relationships out of those insights. What our relationships teach us about ourselves is where we stand in vibration to all the new people we are calling into our lives. Admittedly, trust and time have got to be some of my least favorite words in the English language. They imply patience, which I readily admit, was never a strong suit.
I am consistently searching for a timeless gem with each new experience. And while I’m still mastering the ‘art of allowing,’ I trust the unfolding now more than I did yesterday and tomorrow, more still. After much strife, surrendering my plan and my need to control every outcome was the best-feeling method. Everything always works out and usually better than you can readily predict.
You can do the same by focusing in the direction of what feels right for your moment to moment. This practice does become more comfortable, I promise! Learn more about how to do that here.
The TLDR; what relationships teach us about ourselves
None of us just get to some magical destination as fully healed spiritual beings. A place where suddenly progress culminates and realignment is no longer needed (not while in this physical body, at least). In being good to yourself, you will inevitably be good to others. It is law.
We are each operating within our bubble of time-space reality. It’s okay that you are not there, and they are not where you are. Trust the process. Practice seeing them through the eyes of your inner child. It is not in the being but in the becoming that matters most, anyway.
With time, consistent focus, and a little bit of practice in becoming aware, you’ll understand the key components that relationships teach you and you’ll be in a place to integrate those into a new version of yourself. One that attracts harmonious, healthy partnerships of all kinds. Remember, it doesn’t start with anyone else. The key lesson in relationships is knowing that change starts with you.
Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse or is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out to your local emergency or mental health service professionals to assist you.
